Hey paper nerd
Brace yourself. Here’s a personal update. :)
I don’t keep a regular journal – and every time I try to keep one I stop after one or two entries because I’ve fulfilled my immediate need to get something off my chest and down on paper. And then that need doesn’t reappear for a while.
Well, recently I felt like writing again. As the birth of baby brother gets nearer (about a month from now) I’m starting to get increasingly tense about certain things. Things I thought I was okay with. Thing I thought I dealt with.
During the holidays my entire family caught a stomach bug and when it hit me I got super bad cramps. I’d even call it contractions of some kind. I downloaded an app to time them and they were one minute long, about 4-8 minutes apart for about an hour. That was so scary to me. I knew it wasn’t labor but it reminded me of it and that was enough to make me reconsider if I should just schedule a Cesarian and avoid that whole labor thing.
Safe to say, I’m not over my birth issues.
I’m gonna have another talk with my kick-ass therapist (I love her) and really try to feel good about this birth. It’s supposed to be a good thing. I’ve kind of neglected some of the mental exercises she and my midwife’s taught me to help cope, so I need to get on that.
Writing helps. My art journal is simply my journal. So the other day I just poured my thoughts onto paper – didn’t care if it’s legible – and wrote until I ran out of space.
Enjoy the silence.
Most of these thoughts actually have to do with my feelings toward Ada in the midst of all this. It occupies my mind a lot. I feel guilty for preparing for the new baby. I feel guilty that I want a “better birth” than I had with her.
It’s the strangest thing. Nothing rational about it.
I also feel like I’m on death row. Like it’s the “last days” in a way. I’m breaking all kinds of parenting rules by spoiling Ada because of it. I need to enjoy this quiet moment before baby comes, and not claw onto it so fearfully and desperately.
The painted page is kind of random but I felt great creating it. Layers and layers of paint and ink. And some messy stitching. I like that a lot. I put the ‘No 3′ on there ’cause it reminds me that we’re three people in this family now and soon we’ll be four.
Savoring it. Trying to enjoy it. Really, really trying.
The Triangles print is an A5 version of the larger Triangles art print sold in my shop. I’m giving away the smaller Triangles prints with all physical orders at the moment and I still have a few left.
Thanks for reading, if you did. Thanks for looking at my pages, too. Love having you come by.